Super Bowl Guide: Everything You Need to Know

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And so it comes down to this. After one of the crazier NFL seasons on record, which included everything from elevator videos, domestic abuse suspensions, and Roger Goodell somehow keeping his job, to Johnny Football’s failures, Peyton Manning flaming out, Mark Sanchez still sucking, Dez Bryant’s incredible catch, Seattle’s incredible comeback, Deflategate, and even some actual football thrown in for good measure, we’re finally down to only two teams. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks will square off in the Super Bowl this Sunday, and if you haven’t been paying attention, or just need a few talking points to fill those awkward silences around the snack table, here’s a quick tutorial of everything you need to know before the game.  

Teams

Patriots: AFC Champs. Offensive juggernaut led by the best QB in the game. The guys in white.

Seahawks: NFC Champs. Defensive juggernaut led by the best corner in the game. The guys in blue.

Fans

New England: Passionate, well-educated, brew good coffee and beer. How do you like them apples?

Seattle: Passionate, well-educated, brew good coffee and beer. How do you like Washington Apples? 

Location: Glendale, Arizona, where the 18-0 Patriots lost to the Giants in Super Bowl XLII.  

XLIX? But seriously, we should stop it with the Roman Numerals.

Coaches

Bill Belichick: Stoic coach who was caught cheating by the NFL on multiple occasions. Threw his QB under the bus during Deflategate. People hate him because he doesn’t smile.

Pete Carroll: Charismatic coach who was caught cheating by the NCAA on multiple occasions. Bailed on USC when the team was hit with sanctions. People like him because he smiles.

Quarterbacks

Tom Brady: Three-time NFL champ. Won Super Bowl in his second season, has been the darling of the league ever since. Handsome. White.  

Russel Wilson: Defending NFL champ. Won the Super Bowl in his second season, has been the darling of the league ever since. Handsome. Multiracial. 

X-Factors

Marshawn Lynch: Seattle RB, freak of nature, loves Skittles, hates the media. “Beast Mode.“

Rob Gronkowski: Patriots TE, freak of nature, might not be able to read or write. “Gronk want ball.”

Kickers: Don’t worry about it. 

Super Bowl Halftime Show: Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz

Better Halftime Show: The Puppy Bowl, or anything on literally any other channel. 

Commercials: Animals, babies, Clydesdales, nude models eating hamburgers. Family stuff. 

Scoring

Touchdown: Six Points

Field Goal: Three Points

Safety: Two Points

Two-point Conversion: TBD

Point Spread: New England -1

Party Spread: Wings, pizza, chips, beer.

Final Score

New England 27

Seattle 24

You just won the Super Bowl. What are you gonna do next?!

“I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”