Why The Super Bowl Sucks

Credit: Kathryn Scott Osler / Getty Images

Another year, another big game that doesn't feature your favorite team. It's the Super Bowl! Yay?

For 50 years now Super Bowl Sunday has basically been the professional sports version of New Year's Eve, in that you get all excited for it, probably have too much to drink, then it's usually anti-climactic, and you just feel dirty the next morning. And just like the last night on the calendar, maybe one out of every five years something exciting will happen — like there will be some last-second play, an amazing catch, or some chaotic shit like the lights unexpectedly going out, making an otherwise horrible game somewhat interesting for a few minutes.

Isn't life full of enough disappointment already? Wouldn't you rather do something constructive like go eat in a restaurant you normally can’t get into or, ya know, go for a really long walk in the woods or something? Maybe you need just a little push to finally stand up and say you’re not watching the Super Bowl this year?

Well here you go.

You almost always hate the teams, and this year is no different. On the flipside, after 60 minutes of play, a bunch of guys you’d probably hate in real life are going to be on top of the world.
Part of you is saying that you're happy it isn't New England, but then you look at what you have instead. You can't stand Cam Newton and the rest of the cocky Carolina squad, or Peyton Manning and the Broncos are basically the epitome of football establishment. The dude is probably going to retire after this year, do a few more commercials, then move on to his job in the booth before running pretty much uncontested for political office in Denver or some part of Louisiana. Seriously, why are you bothering with this again?

Super Bowl parties are terrible.
Don't do it. You'll end up at a party where the volume is turned up for the commercials and muted for the game. You'll have to endure idiotic conversation and bad guacamole. There will be a massive sub with crappy meat or some dude’s bad take on Carolina BBQ. Just go to a bar, or better yet just invite one or two friends over and spend a hell of a lot less on beer. Worried about your Seamless order taking forever? Just make your own damn wings and ribs

Phil Simms
Phil Simms is so annoying, dull, and is probably the one guy you could legit replace in the booth. He almost makes you wish Troy Aikman were in the booth. Almost.

Nope. Your team is not making a comeback.
Comebacks rarely happen in the Super Bowl. In fact, if your team is down by more than ten points at halftime, turn off the TV and go to that restaurant you've never been able to get into. Only one team has ever come back from a ten-point deficit at half-time. Also, no one has come back after trailing by more than ten points at any point in a Super Bowl game.

It's basically all one big ad.
There's a pretty decent chance that more people will be talking about the new candy bar or cola ad than they will the actual game come Monday morning. Also it feels like everything is sponsored: the coin toss, the kickoff, the punts, the penalties, the penalty challenges, the guy getting carted off the field with a concussion that will fill his golden years with dementia and suicidal tendencies…

And then you have to deal with Coldplay.
Look, this is not meant to be a slam on the band, although they do have a song called "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall." I get that the NFL is trying to expand their audience and that they’ve been very successful with over 100 million people watching the Super Bowl; but Gwyneth’s consciously uncoupled ex and his band of sad Englishmen doesn’t really get anybody pumped up for a second-half that will probably be a letdown. 


The Super Bowl doesn't really do much for our economy.
Yes, it's our America’s second biggest eating day after Thanksgiving; but traditionally, one million people will call in sick on the Monday after the Super Bowl. And no matter what your buddy at work who thinks he understands how things work because he read a few pages of Thomas Piketty's Capital says, that single day in February where all the grocery stores will sell out of jars of queso doesn't really make up for the other 364 days.

There will be riots after the game.
It's hard to explain exactly why this happens, but the winning team's city will probably take a beating as its denizens reenact the 410 A.D. Visigoths’ sacking of Rome in the name of civic pride. The losing team’s hometown will probably face a similar fate.

The NFL is a horrible organization.
Ever read Robert Caro's The Power Broker or watched any sub-Godfather movie about a mafia boss? That's basically Roger Goodell, and in 20 years we're all going to look back and wonder how such a horrible human being was given so much power and so many get-out-of-jail-free cards.