Men's Journal

Photo credit: Jill Greenberg

The Dog Whisperer’s Commandments

Cesar Millan, the Dr. Phil for dog owners, isn’t interested in training your pet — he wants to train you.

1. Walk Your Dog Every Day
Better yet, take him for a run. It may seem obvious, but it’s also the first thing most guys skip when time gets tight. Even if you have a huge fenced yard, your dog still needs to get out and see the world (and pee on it). “Even a mansion can be like a prison,” Millan says. And just being by your side will strengthen the dog’s bond to you.

2. Reward the Good, Ignore the Bad
If your dog whines, barks, begs, or otherwise misbehaves, the best thing you can do is nothing. Most of the time, the bad behavior will end on its own. “I’m not ignoring them, per se,” he says. “I’m ignoring the state of mind. I don’t want to nurture that state.”

3. It’s Not All About You
Though well known for his tssht! sounds and shoulder taps, Millan says it’s important not to overdo it. “My male clients get frustrated really quickly,” he says. “You should never touch a dog out of frustration or anger; too much fear can harm the relationship.”

4. Say it Like You Mean It
Dogs read your body language before they listen to what you say. To make yourself heard, lean forward and keep your weight on the balls of your feet; this communicates confidence and leadership — consider it practice for your next big boardroom pitch.

5. Be Here Now
Dogs don’t dwell on the past or hold grudges, so neither should you. Forget yesterday’s bad behavior; teach and reward today’s good behavior. Even if your dog was mistreated in a former life, don’t dwell on it. “They’re fantastic teachers in terms of living in the now,” Millan says. “A dog doesn’t care about what happened three years ago.”

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Rescue Me: Adopting a pre-owned pup from a shelter is a great option, but finding the right match can be tricky.

The Compatibility Quiz
The ASPCA’s Meet Your Match questionnaire helps you match your own disposition to a dog that’s up for adoption, though it’s often only available in person. To get an idea of what to expect, visit PawsChicago.org for an online version.

The Test Drive
Start with the “puppy test” (page 55) but also ask about fostering your prospective pet. Many shelters will let you take a dog home as a temporary guardian. Outside the shelter, a dog’s true personality will blossom.

The First Day Home
Older dogs with a questionable history often need to take things slow. Once he’s home, introduce him to his new surroundings gradually, starting with the relatively indestructible kitchen, and then one room at a time as he becomes comfortable.

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How to Be a Better Dog Owner (from a dog’s perspective)

By Brian Griffin

I once had a master. It was my crippling addiction to cocaine. But Men’s Journal says that’s too “touchy” to get into. So you want to know what I’d like in a master? I have a wish list:

Be Cool
Hey, guy, listen: We all have accidents. It happens. Sometimes, when a stranger comes over, I’m so excited to see them I pee a little bit. Not a lot, but maybe enough to drown a small spider, you know? I usually just end up tricking Stewie into sitting in it. But maybe my master could clean it up without judging me, instead of forcing me to trick an infant into sitting in my urine.

Make Sure Your Wife Wears Skirts a Lot
I’m no Quagmire, but every time Lois wears those khaki pants of hers, do I wish she would change into a nice sundress I could casually meander under? You bet your Beggin’ Strips I do.

The Last Wish? It’s Kinda Simple.
You know how women like to be the little spoon, but sometimes, just every once in a while, they’ll spoon you? It’s okay — you don’t have to admit it. I know. Anyway, just once, maybe I’d like my master to lick me. Just let me know, “Hey, you’re my dog. And I accept you. And I love you.” That would be really sweet. And then maybe let me go on a huge coke binge one last time.

—As told to Seth Macfarlane

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Dog Diets for Every Budget

The range-fed, organic, gluten-free, soy revolution has finally trickled down to our pets. But don’t write off Alpo just yet.

By Michael Schaffer

dog food photographs by Alix Martinez

dog food photographs by Alix Martinez

Recession Special
The good news is you won’t kill your pooch by being a cheapskate. Even down-market brands hew to the persnickety standards set by the Association of American Feed Control Officials (AAFCO).

Sniff Out: Anything that meets AAFCO’s standards as “complete and balanced.” But go a step further and seek out the feeding trial statement found on better budget foods like Costco’s Kirkland brand ($27, 40-pound bag). Feeding trials not only lab-test nutrient levels, but they also assess real dogs after a brand-specific diet.
Stay Away From: Overfeeding. An estimated 40 percent of dogs in the U.S. are overweight. Dogs are highly evolved moochers, and most people fail to take into account table scraps and other off-menu treats. Stick to the serving size on the dog food packaging.

Premium Eats
Choose foods long on protein and short on fillers, like those with meat in the top spot on the label. Premium brands like Iams and Natural Balance, which cost about 40 cents more per pound than box-store brands, will promote shinier coats, bright eyes, and more energy, all good indications that your dog is thriving.

Sniff Out: Supplements like glucosamine (for hip dysplasia) or omega-3 fatty acids (for cardiac conditions) that might mitigate hereditary health problems. These powders and pills can be mixed or hidden in regular food.
Stay Away From: Food bowls. Alife of bowing to eat from a bowl is no good for the brain. Try hiding meals inside StarMark’s orb-shaped food puzzles, which make dogs work for supper, re-creating the intellectual challenge of a hunt — but without the messy carcass.

Canine Gourmand
DIY dog food prep — and even dog cookbooks — is the latest trend in canine nutrition. Get a kitchen scale to measure the appropriate proportions of meat, veggies, and starch (roughly 40:30:30), and add the vitamin and mineral supplements — like vitamins A, D, and E; fatty acids; zinc; and potassium — that are already in store-bought brands.

Sniff Out: Human-grade raw foods like Bravo! brand can cost up to $4 a pound, but they aren’t far off the rabbit carcasses wild wolves eat. High-quality meat, veggies, and even a little bone means it’s packed with protein and nutrients and is as close to a dog’s natural diet as you can get without taking him hunting.
Stay Away From: Opulent doggy desserts, like pet ice cream, which can pack on the pounds with little discernible benefit. (He’d probably prefer a chicken breast anyway.)

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The Case for Doggy Prozac

By Michael Schaffer

Everything would have been easier if he’d just called it a don’t-crap-on-the-floor pill. That, plus a don’t-escape-out-the-window pill, and a don’t-howl-every-time-I-leave pill. But the vet called it an antidepressant.

My new Saint Bernard, Murphy, had “separation anxiety,” it seemed. And sure enough — in this age of acupuncture-treated pets — there was a pill for it. Thirty-five bucks later, I was burying a serotonin reuptake inhibitor in a chunk of cheese. For me, the pill represented 80 milligrams of wagging finger — what’s wrong with this country when even our dogs are popping pills? Murphy was less worried — he just wanted that cheese.

Turns out the pooch was right. Five years on, our household boasts a happy dog and a (mostly) undefiled living room floor. Over a generation, the American dog moved from his backyard doghouse to the foot of your bed, trading up to organic chow and inspiring an industry of walkers and veterinary dermatologists.But the Murphys of the world haven’t changed; we have. We stuffed our faces with cholesterol until we started scouring ingredient lists at Safeway. Now we do the same at PetSmart. The choke collar approach was banished for the same reason we gave up on schoolhouse canings: It didn’t work. So I’ve decided to be more like Murphy and just enjoy that chunk of cheese.

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This article originally appeared in the September 2009 issue of Men’s Journal

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