5 Things Men Don’t Care About

 


According to scientists, the total amount of the data in the world quadruples every, oh, let’s say 20 minutes. We don’t really know the statistic, because we don’t really give a shit about data science. But this illustrates a modern conundrum: How much needless crap do we really have to care about? We’re constantly being bombarded with more and more cultural fads, marketing messages and complaints from loved ones, and it’s time we prioritized—starting with this list of the five least important things to men.

1. SHOPPING

Unless it makes fire to burn food, lights up, beeps, enables us to watch sports, plays music or does a combination of all of the above, we do not enjoy going shopping for it. Guys don’t get together to go on department store excursions and offer advice about whether or not something makes us look fat. When we need clothes, we prefer to get the whole unpleasant experience over with as quickly as possible. If we agree to go shopping with a girl, it’s probably because we want to sleep with her.

[ pagebreak ]

2. AWARDS SEASON

We don’t care who’s nominated, we don’t care who’s going to win, we don’t care who shows up together, we don’t care what [insert vapid actress here] is wearing—unless it happens to show a lot of cleavage or is just see-through enough that when the camera lights hit it at just the right angle… Otherwise, we just don’t care. Men watch Sons of Anarchy because it’s a badass show, not because Katey Sagal won a Golden Globe for it. So when we’re invited to one of these awards show parties, we’re there for the free food and booze, or because our girlfriends dragged us there.

[ pagebreak ]

3. THE ROYAL FAMILY

Honestly, you can lump pretty much all celebrities into this category, but we care even less about people who are famous for being inbred. When one of them decides to get married and the world makes it a mission to care even more, we respond by caring less.

[ pagebreak ]

4. REALITY TV

Our version of reality television is sports. You don’t need to watch how strangers react to one another when placed in carefully orchestrated situations created to optimize stress and drama when you can watch a bunch of men placed in carefully orchestrated situations where their ultimate goal is to beat the everliving crap out of each other every Sunday and Monday…and sometimes on Thursday.

[ pagebreak ]

5. BABIES

No, we don’t hate them. No, we don’t actively wish ill upon your child (not out loud, at least). But if it isn’t our own kid, we couldn’t care less about them. When you insist on showing us 243 photos of your child ingesting and subsequently spewing up mashed peas, we think more Exorcist than “aww.” We don’t want to watch videos of your child taking its first steps or saying its first words (unless it’s a funny four-letter word). So stop making us uncomfortable by insisting on blasting us with documentation of your child’s upbringing and then looking at us like we’re soulless freaks when our immediate reaction isn’t to piss our pants with glee.