Seven Deadly Sins

Tim O’Connor’s “The Other Most Hated Tricks that Were Forgotten About”

I read The 10 Most Hated Tricks article, from April ’03 issue of Skateboarder, and was immediately alarmed when I saw how many tricks were forgotten to be hated on. I couldn’t let these other tricks get off the hook so easily so I took it upon myself to throw some more negativity into the game. Cause if you don’t hate certain things enough you’re dumb and you gots no soul ock! The perpetrators of the following maneuvers usually tend to be the same type of people that think Fred Durst has “talent.” So, if this article pisses you off then you need to shut up and not tell anyone about it cause this simply means you are a big goofy geek and are for some reason or another completely oblivious.

1. The One Footed Crooked Grind: This trick needs to be saved for Cirque Du Soleil. Keep that foot on cause this is just the grind version of a benihana.

2. Heelflip Indy Grabs: If you’re a kid and you don’t know how to do this trick, purposely don’t learn it. When people do this horrid move it looks like they’re trying to catch a piece of stool that got dislodged from their bum while in midair. This move is the antithesis of flavor.

3. Any Trick to Fakie Where You Look Back at the Obstacle Like You Conquered It: Man almighty! If you’re runnin’ this one you’re a real bastard. You might as well be pleasuring yourself in front of a mirror cause you are on your own dick way too much. For Christ’s sake you’re looking back at an inanimate object! It ain’t never gonna’ say nothin’ back to you so cut the shit please. Now if you wallie off of someone’s shin and give a hard look back at them, then I’ll let you get away with it.

4. Cheering for Yourself: If you see anyone do this one do me a favor and throw something heavy at them. Spit at them, kick them, just do something that’s gonna’ make them stop sucking at life so hard. Don’t let them get away with it like it’s all good. Under no circumstances shall you ever cheer for yourself. It’s all self-masturbation if you ask me. Let’s get a little bit humbleness up in here you jocks.

5. Any Trick that’s Followed by After School Modeling: This is after you realize that you’ve landed a trick so you continue on to fake your landing and make it look like you’re landing again to add some sort of pseudo style that’s foolin’ no one. There’s all sorts of herbs displaying this ish all across the planet. Once again kick ’em in the jugular and see if they fall to the ground with fake style too, after they hit the ground that is.

6. Skating with a Cigarette in Your Mouth if You’re Not Dan Drehobl: This is another one of them cases where people are trying to give the illusion that everything is so easy for them that they can enjoy a nice flavorful smoke while trying the trick of their life. It’s all lies kiddies! Dan Drehobl can do this cause he already possesses an actual real casual style that isn’t forced and that mug just seems to need to get his smoke on. So, for him there’s no reason to stop. But, once again for everyone else that isn’t Dan, work on your actual style first before you light up the physical smoke but don’t work on it too much cause then you might be doing some after school modeling. It’s a fine line you gotta’ walk and if you go astray you’re gonna’ get a kung fu punch to your reproductive organ.

7. 5-0s to Nollie Flips: Who doesn’t hate on this trick? Haven’t we seen it enough already? Stop the insanity people. Talking shit is the shit cause if you don’t do it we’ll all end up being a bunch of drones that snap into Slim Jims while listening to Linkin Park and watching the X-Games. I hope some people take offense to this list cause that just means you know you lack any soul hence you’re defense mechanism will kick in because you are emotionally wounded by my words. But before you talk just know that I am right and you are not.

-Tim O’Connor

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