And so it comes down to this. After one of the crazier NFL seasons on record, which included everything from elevator videos, domestic abuse suspensions, and Roger Goodell somehow keeping his job, to Johnny Football’s failures, Peyton Manning flaming out, Mark Sanchez still sucking, Dez Bryant’s incredible catch, Seattle’s incredible comeback, Deflategate, and even some actual football thrown in for good measure, we’re finally down to only two teams. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks will square off in the Super Bowl this Sunday, and if you haven’t been paying attention, or just need a few talking points to fill those awkward silences around the snack table, here’s a quick tutorial of everything you need to know before the game.
Patriots: AFC Champs. Offensive juggernaut led by the best QB in the game. The guys in white.
Seahawks: NFC Champs. Defensive juggernaut led by the best corner in the game. The guys in blue.
New England: Passionate, well-educated, brew good coffee and beer. How do you like them apples?
Seattle: Passionate, well-educated, brew good coffee and beer. How do you like Washington Apples?
Location: Glendale, Arizona, where the 18-0 Patriots lost to the Giants in Super Bowl XLII.
XLIX? But seriously, we should stop it with the Roman Numerals.
Bill Belichick: Stoic coach who was caught cheating by the NFL on multiple occasions. Threw his QB under the bus during Deflategate. People hate him because he doesn’t smile.
Pete Carroll: Charismatic coach who was caught cheating by the NCAA on multiple occasions. Bailed on USC when the team was hit with sanctions. People like him because he smiles.
Tom Brady: Three-time NFL champ. Won Super Bowl in his second season, has been the darling of the league ever since. Handsome. White.
Russel Wilson: Defending NFL champ. Won the Super Bowl in his second season, has been the darling of the league ever since. Handsome. Multiracial.
Marshawn Lynch: Seattle RB, freak of nature, loves Skittles, hates the media. “Beast Mode.“
Rob Gronkowski: Patriots TE, freak of nature, might not be able to read or write. “Gronk want ball.”
Kickers: Don’t worry about it.
Super Bowl Halftime Show: Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz
Better Halftime Show: The Puppy Bowl, or anything on literally any other channel.
Commercials: Animals, babies, Clydesdales, nude models eating hamburgers. Family stuff.
Touchdown: Six Points
Field Goal: Three Points
Safety: Two Points
Two–point Conversion: TBD
Point Spread: New England -1
Party Spread: Wings, pizza, chips, beer.
New England 27
You just won the Super Bowl. What are you gonna do next?!
“I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”