Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter’s last year in the league looks to become a Mariano Rivera-style victory lap around the majors. It’s been one hell of a ride for “The Captain,” whose memorable career has included every manner of accomplishment, from bedding Minka Kelly to securing the all-time Yankees hits record to maintaining a Kid ‘N Play-style haircut well into his thirties. So what sort of parting gifts will Jeter receive from rival franchises as he visits each stadium for one last time? We consulted the league calendar and a very secret source in Major League Baseball’s front office to find out how the star’s former rivals plan to celebrate his outstanding career.
Wednesday, May 7, Angel Stadium of Anaheim
In a pre-game surprise visit, California native and one-time Jeter love interest, Jessica Alba, will storm the field and present the Yankees shortstop with a bill for the medication she had to take after he gave her a social disease.
Sunday, May 11, Miller Park
Ever classy, the Brewers organization will bestow upon Jeter a collection of Hall of Famer Robin Yount’s old, game-worn jockstraps in order to test Jim Rice’s 2009 claim that Jeter “couldn’t carry Robin Yount’s jockstrap.” Jeter will manage to hoist it, but not without considerable effort. Yount took legendarily good care of little Robin.
Thursday, June 12, Safeco Field
Former Yankee second baseman Robinson Cano will present Jeter with a card on behalf the Mariners franchise. The card will have a picture of Alex Rodriguez on the outside and the words, “You’re welcome” on the inside. A-Rod was, after all, the best gift any team could have ever given Jeter. Next to the Madonna-dating steroid-abuser, “Jeet” couldn’t help but look classy, making the universally-disliked third baseman the ultimate hall pass.
Sunday, June 15, Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum
The notoriously miserly Athletics organization will present Jeter with a $20 gift certificate from Meyer Plumbing Supply, one of the few businesses within walking distance of the park.
Sunday, September 14, Oriole Park at Camden Yards
Before the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry really got cooking again, the Orioles stood in the Bronx Bombers’ way. To commemorate Jeter’s clutch 1996 American League Division Series game one home run, a deep fly ball that would have been caught if 12-year-old Jeffrey Maier hadn’t reached out of the stands and nabbed it, former Orioles outfielder Tony Tarasco will attempt to hand Jeter the game-used home plate. Unfortunately, Maier will emerge from the stands and grab the plate just before Jeter can get his hands on it.
Thursday, September 25, Yankee Stadium
The most generous offering comes from the home team. In honor of Jeter’s uniform number, 2, the Yankees will cut their franchise player a check for $22,222,222. Contrary to tradition, however, the money will not be sent to Jeter’s Turn 2 Foundation, but to his personal checking account. General Manager Brian Cashman will explain that, thanks to trickle down economics, it’s really a gift to the women of New York.
Wednesday, September 27, Jeter’s Manhattan Apartment
Jeter will receive an Edible Arrangement with a note reading, “Congratulations on your years of excellence,” signed, “The Cincinnati Reds.” Several minutes and few mango slices later, Jeter will Google: “Cincinnati Reds.”
Sunday, September 28, Fenway Park
The Boston crowd will unanimously decide to give Jeter a lifetime supply of batteries. They will fling this generous present at him from the stands and dance to the bagpipe tones of the Dropkick Murphys as he’s wheeled off the field. At least one fan will admit during the ensuing riot that Jeter was a great ballplayer, “unlike that Jorge Posada guy.”