Your Laziest Labor Day Ever

Brad Pitt as the sloth Floyd in 'True Romance.'
Take the day off — you've earned it.Everett Collection

You work hard for the money. This labor day, take the time to appreciate those endless office hours — by doing absolutely nothing.

8:00 a.m.

Today is no day for the snooze button. Start your morning with a bang, rising to the shriek of an alarm that you then hurl against the wall. The cheap travel clock you snagged yesterday just for this purpose is now in 19 pieces. Five dollars well spent. Now roll over and go back to bed. That’s it, you got this.

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9:30 a.m.

Sitting on the bedside table is another present: a vapor pen loaded with a tiny bottle of liquid sativa, the one that offers a mellow body high — you made sure of it when your dealer Shane came over the other night and walked you through his various goods. Take a few hits — how long has it been since you had a good old fashioned wake ’n bake? — and settle back in. Before you fall back asleep, pull up your Alfred app and double check that someone is restocking the fridge and handling the dry cleaning. 

10:30 a.m.

Now this is an hour more attuned to your natural rhythms. Hit that vaporizer again — why not? Pull out your phone and Seamless that breakfast sandwich you like. You know the one: two scrambled eggs folded together with american cheese, avocado, and bacon and served on a crusty kaiser roll slathered with that salt-pepper-ketchup… You’re pretty stoned now, aren’t you?

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10:35 a.m.

Dick around on your phone to kill time before the order gets here. YouTube is an excellent place to start — two segments of Carpool Karaoke will do it. Who knew the chubby guy from Into the Woods would’ve been a late night powerhouse? Not you, who had no idea James Cordon was in Into the Woods until, halfway through the segment with Adele, you pulled up James Cordon on Wikipedia and realize he’s a 38-year-old major theater player with the middle name Kimberley who was awarded the Order of the British Empire. No shit. You fall further into Wikipedia but then — doorbell! Go get your sandwich and make sure to appreciate the wafting deli-smell and those signature grease splotches on the side of the brown bag. Cradle it as if you were a running back and bust out a Heisman stance before you settle into the couch and turn on Mr. Robot. Everyone’s been telling you how good it is.

12:55 p.m.

Three episodes of Mr. Robot down and you’re a little bit paranoid. Is it the Sativa still? Or the way Rami Malek is able to express all sorts of internal things just by clenching his jaw and moving his beady eyes back and forth? It’s past noon, so take the edge off with a beer and some quality time with your Facebook feed. People are posting photos of small talk and hotdogs, sweaty picnics, and volleyball. You feel exhausted just looking at them. It’s time for a nap. Take another hit off your vape pen (this thing lasts, doesn’t it?) and kick your feet up on the couch.

2:02 p.m.

Time for exercise. Might we suggest a walk down the block to your local watering hole? Who are you kidding: Uber it. You’re really going for those teriyaki wings and the Lagunitas Sucks they have on draft.

3:45 p.m.

Now two pints, a plate of wings, and five rounds of Big Buck Hunter down, you can get some more fresh air on the walk home. It’s not that far anyway. Pop in your headphones and take a stroll. 

4:00 p.m.

Alfred came through while you were gone, and the fridge is stocked and clear bags of dry cleaning are set in the closet. Buck Hunter really whet your appetite; now it’s time to now see how deep down this rabbit hole you can go. Your old Sega Genesis is out of commission — thanks for trying to saber a champagne bottle near the entertainment center on New Year’s Eve, Jack— but that's what is for, with its hundreds of old-school video games you can play from your browser. First up: Battletoads? Streets of Rage? Golden Axe? Altered Beast? Sonic v. Knuckles?

5:52 p.m.

You forgot how much fun — and sort of tiring in its own way — a video game binge can be. You’re sure you would’ve done better in Golden Axe if you had the old Genesis controller and not just your keypad. And man, that hyper bike level in Battletoads was a real crock of shit, wasn’t it? No matter. Take a last hit from that pen and order some chicken parm off Seamless. Now it’s time to catch up on the Olympics. Yeah, you know what happened in swimming, basketball, and gymnastics, but what about those other sports on your DVR: ping pong, hammer toss, the canoe double-1,000-meter sprint. 

7:22 p.m.

Who knew powerlifting would be so entertaining? It's almost enough to motivate you to get back into CrossFit — but that's for another, more productive day. Still a bit of time left in the day, so fire up Last Chance U on Netflix and — what the hell — dial Insomnia Cookies and order a few oatmeal to cap off the day.

8:35 p.m.

Cramming nine weekends’ worth of laziness into one day is what Labor Day is all about. Now it's time to go to bed early. You’ve earned it. The real world — and all the responsibilities and schedules that come with it — will be waiting for you early on Tuesday. 

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