Once you’ve stupidly left your home without eating breakfast, it can be a challenge to find something quick that doesn’t involve a disgusting number of carbohydrates. There’s an endless stream of pastries available, of course, along with all manner of bagels, rolls, and breakfast sandwiches, but those things will leave you overly full and then, a little while later, tired and prematurely kinda hungry again. Enter, of all places, Starbucks. Literally: Enter a Starbucks and pick up an order of their newest menu item, Sous Vide Egg Bites.
Now. They come in two varieties, one of which we're going to ignore completely. Egg White and Red Pepper? No thank you. Roasted red peppers are gross (they are), and everyone should by now know that, in addition to being delicious, egg yolks are good for you. So we will instead focus on the other variety: Bacon & Mother Fucking Gruyere.
They are exceedingly simple and wonderful, the answer to (almost) all of my breakfast wishes. Served in a nifty little package containing two mini-muffin shaped pieces, the Egg Bites make good on Starbucks' promise of a "velvety texture" that's "bursting with flavor." The rich, creamy egg is offset beautifully by the salty, nutty gruyere and the thin slices of applewood smoked draped across the top. Yes, there's a bunch of sodium, and, yes, thanks to the bacon, there's also a bunch of saturated fat, but just 9 grams of carbs and 19 grams of protein.
If there's a complaint to be registered, it's the price. Here in New York, a package of two will set you back $4.45 before tax — not too crazy, but crazy enough that I decided to try making some approximation of them at home. I sprayed a muffin tin with non-stick spray, combined eight eggs, beaten, with extra sharp cheddar and crumbled bacon, and baked them until they seemed done. They were fucking gross — rubbery and weirdly flavorless despite consisting solely of things that taste awesome. Perhaps some day I'll get around to picking up a legit sous vide device and perfecting my own egg bites for a fraction of the cost, but until then, the Starbucks version will do just fine.