Why I Cover My Body In Plant Wax

Aging is a hard thing for a mountain athlete to handle.
Mike Thurk, and FaceApp

I’m not sure when it happened, but it happened despite my best intentions. I got old, or at the very least, older. I don’t actually think 35 is all that old. But when I was a teenager it sure sounded like it. I don’t act old. I mean, I’m not wearing sweatpants with suspenders in public. I don’t confiscate the neighbor’s football if it’s thrown over my fence and hits my lawn. My brain doesn’t feel old, but my body does. Friends, I am sore, almost constantly.

After more than a decade of ski bumming, trail running, boating, biking, hiking, and other dirtbag pursuits out West, my body doesn’t rebound like it used to. I’m still an active feller, but my injury rap sheet is long: two MCL tears, osteochondritis dissecans surgery, a broken ankle, a few sprains, a handful of fractures, a broken nose, a peppering of new scars on top of old scars, and general ouchies and booboos. Plus, I’m 6’5” and 240 pounds. I have nearly seven times the amount of gravity weighing me down compared to a normal-sized human. Look it up. That’s just good science right there.

Gutting it out and staying active has been my baseline forever. But to help deal with my raggedness, specifically lower back and left chain (IT band, FTL, hip, and glute) issues, I recently began to supplement activity and my soreness torture devices (my roller, stretching strap, tennis and lacrosse balls) with ClimbOn’s Ridiculous Muscle Paste. Thinks of it like Icy Hot, except rather than masking the pain and smelling like your grandmother’s perfume, it actually relieves aches.

ClimbOn Ridiculous Muscle Past for the win.

Ridiculous Paste is 100% plant-based. Its magic formula of plant sterols, organic coconut butter, and aloe vera gel increases blood flow and cortisol to help relieve pain and soreness. Added bonus: It smells like a gingerbread cookie is decorating a Christmas tree. And it gives my back and the rest of my sore muscles the same childlike happiness I felt on Christmas morning after unwrapping that long wished-for present. Only now, in my mid-30s, that present is not a new toy, it’s not groaning when I get up from the couch.

I was very skeptical when I first heard about ClimbOn products during a backcountry ski trip at Ouray, Colorado’s Red Mountain Alpine Lodge this past February. After day-long skins and skis in hip-deep snow, my legs and lower back were as stiff as a frozen Sheboygan bratwurst. I figured I’d eat handfuls of ibuprofen like they were M&M’s and drink enough water to drown a seal, as was my typical routine. Then a pal slid me a jar of Ridiculous Paste. I felt immediate relief when I rubbed it on my lower back, quads, and hammies. I was sold.

Since this winter, I’ve covered my body with this magic plant wax every week. Especially after big bike rides and runs in the mountains, I coat Ridiculous Paste from head to toe, effectively turning myself into the glistening ski bum version of a mellowed-out, mustached salamander: smiling, shimmering, and relieved of pain. This past week I brought a jar to a massage appointment at True Nature in Carbondale, Colorado. A thimble-sized woman who could pass for the lead in a Western version of “Golden Girls” schmeared this aromatic, soreness-evaporating plant gravy all over me. I’ve never been more relaxed in my entire life, and since, I’ve felt like a spry young man.

I don’t recommend getting older. I guess it beats the alternative, but if you can help it, stay young for as long as possible, pals. But if you aren’t up for a Ponce de León adventure, can’t figure out how many gigawatts power a flux capacitor, or don’t want to preserve yourself in head-to-toe shellac, I recommend using ClimbOn’s Ridiculous Muscle Paste to deal with the aches and pains of becoming an aged mountain athlete. This vegetable-flower goop makes soreness disappear and has more benefits than an AARP membership.

Buy Now for $24.95

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