(Disclaimer: We don’t actually have any idea how—or if—Snowden worked out during his stay at the Russian transit hub. But we’re pretty sure it was exactly like this.)
**PORTIONS OF THIS DOCUMENT HAVE BEEN REDACTED TO PROTECT NATIONAL SECURITY**
Through a series of secret negotiations, diplomatic U-turns and a grotesque exchange of favors with the ███████ and the Moscow authorities, Men’s Fitness has obtained classified documents from Edward Snowden's personal trainer ███████ █████████████, C.P.T., that detail how Snowden stayed in shape in Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport. To celebrate his grant of asylum, we’ve been authorized by the ██████████████████ to release his terminal moves to the public. Special thanks to the ██████████████ and the █████████████████████ for their help in this matter.
Three sets of 10 pages of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, supersetted with 10 sit-ups with legs on an airport terminal chair.
1. Let’s get ‘er done! One three-mile “CIA-is-chasing-me” run up and down the terminal (you won’t know how far you’ve gone, so, your best guess is good enough).
2. Three sets of 10 toilet seat dips. The seat will likely wobble with your weight; engage your core to keep it stable.
3. Three sets of five body-weight squats.
4. Four sets of █████ pull-ups in the bathroom stall. Because these are done hanging onto a stall, this will engage your forearms for that swole "computer-genius-or-chronic-masturbator" look.
5. Halfway there! Now, do three guard sprints. Tap an airport guard lightly on the shoulder, turn, and run. If you’re lucky, he’ll chase you for a real sweat-breaker. But probably, he won’t.
6. Three sets of 20 Putin-ups. A Putin-up is like a standard pushup, but done in a smug, self-satisfied way.
7. ████████████████████████████ with a ████████████████ in █████████████████ with toilet paper.
8. Three sets of eight Obama-lunges. An Obama-lunge is longer and more promising than a regular lunge, but it doesn’t quite land where you thought it would. Stretch the hamstrings to the point of a tear.
9. Almost done! Last are three sets of five core-punches. Ask a local or guard to punch you in the stomach five times. Break for a minute, and repeat for two more sets. Engage your core the whole time. This will come in handy the next time you’re stuck in questioning.
Jog in a loop around the baggage claim area, using stray bags or wandering babushkas as hurdles.