Health & Fitness

How to Give Oral Sex That Will Blow Her Mind

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Unless you look for birds-and-the-bees-level info, sex can already be a hard topic to get quality, straightforward advice about. Trying to learn about oral sex can be especially challenging. “It doesn’t get enough lip service – pun kind of intended,” says Shanna Katz, sexologist, sex educator, and author of Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms.

Everyone wants great sex to come naturally but putting in some extra effort can make all the difference. “It’s awesome for guys to say, this is going to be part of my sexual repertoire,” says Katz. “It makes you look like you’re interested in your partner’s pleasure, which is something that makes you a great partner.” Here are her top tips for giving the best oral.

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Pace Yourself

Since good oral sex often takes a while, don’t give it everything you’ve got right away. “I think people put a lot of energy in up front, when you’re kind of trying to warm up everything,” says Katz, “and then by the time they’re moving toward the finale, they’re exhausted or their neck is cramped.” For the satisfaction of both you and your partner consider starting off in a comfortable position — maybe she has pillows under back and butt, maybe you’re off the side of the bed, sitting in chair — and then you can move to her preferred position near the end.

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Remember the Rest of the Body

It may be called oral sex but most of the time, it’s better when it involves other parts of the body. “We tend to focus so much on one area, everybody should open their viewpoint,” says Katz. Some possible additions she suggests include light hair pulling, nipple massage, and gentle scratching along your partner’s torso.

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Move Past the ABCs.

The old trick of writing the ABCs with your tongue to ferret out what your partner likes is a nice, but problematic, idea. “If you’re going through the alphabet and you’re trying to figure out what someone likes, by the time you hit ‘B’ and they’re like, I like ‘A,’ you might not remember [how you did it],” says Katz. Instead, she recommends spelling out words that repeat certain letters and being sure to remember if you’re using capitalization and block or script letters. Another technique is envisioning her vulva as the face of a clock and keeping track of what times are her favorites.

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Refine Your Technique

There are a lot of different ways to perform oral sex — like licking, sucking, nibbling, kissing, and even biting — and people don’t always realize how each of these feels. For example, Katz says people should know that a flat tongue feels very different than a pointed one: flat covers more area and pointed is more intense (and, therefore, probably better later on). The more you understand how the different techniques feel to your partner, the better off you’ll be at knowing when to do what.

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Women Tend to Like When It Builds

This is a broad generalization but women usually like oral sex to build in intensity, whereas men often enjoy high-sensation from the get-go. People have a habit of touching each other the way they like to be touched. Keep that in mind and try not to focus too much on what you think is best; consult her instead.

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Don't Go Straight for the Clitoris

The clitoris for most women is an important part of sexual satisfaction, but that doesn’t mean it requires all of the attention. “Particularly, straight men think, this the magical thing that’s going to make my partner happy,” says Katz. “Which is likely true but most people don’t want you to start with that.” For most women the clitoris gives off intense sensation, so it’s more of a closer than an opener. Consider starting elsewhere and leaving it for the end.

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Communication Is Key

Talking bluntly about sex can feel clinical for some people but who knows what your partner wants better than she does? To communicate casually, Katz recommends setting up a feedback system, like having your partner pull on your hair if she likes what you’re doing and pat you if she doesn’t. You can also set up verbal cues. “There are lots of options but you have to create some mode of communication so you know if your partner actually enjoys it,” says Katz.

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It Takes Time

Men looking to give women the best possible oral sex experience should expect to put in some time. “I think the number one pitfall that people run into is thinking it’s a ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ kind of thing when it needs to be something with a little bit more investment,” says Katz. You might be looking at 10, 20, 30 minutes (depending on your partner), so be ready. If you do want to take a break, don’t be too abrupt about it. Instead, transition to something else, like kissing or massaging other parts of her body.

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Oral Sex Doesn't Always End in Orgasm

As with any type of sex, some people don’t orgasm from oral and there is nothing wrong with that. “When people want to put in the time and energy to be really good at giving oral sex, they get really disappointed when there’s not this fireworks orgasm at the end,” says Katz. While it’s wonderful to want to give your partner pleasure, orgasm shouldn’t be the end goal. Instead, the focus should be on them enjoying themselves.

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Not all Women Enjoy Oral Sex

Although people often hail oral sex as the sure-fire way to female orgasm, not every woman will orgasm from it and not everyone even likes it. Some of this may stem from the social construction that tells women not to be selfish, even in the bedroom. Some of it is just that everyone gets excited by different types of sex and has differing physical sensitivities.

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