Ever since KOTA Albuquerque reported that men’s beards were “as dirty as toilets” after a microbiologist swabbed locals for bacteria, many hirsute guys (and their partners) have been asking the same question: Is there fecal matter in this beard? Probably not, says science.
But actor and comedian Will Forte was still concerned by the reports after he grew a massive mound of hair for his Fox show, The Last Man on Earth. “If you find out you have poop in your beard, that becomes the headliner,” Forte told Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Thursday. “John Wilkes Booth was a very talented actor… but not a lot of people know that.”
So Fallon brought in Dr. Sunny Ray of the microbiology immunology molecular genetics parisitology division of UCLA to test Forte’s beard after a shower. Flanked by his support group of Rachel Dratch and Jon Hamm, he learned the results of his swab:
Positive: Pseudomonas, found in soil and dirty sneakers.
Positive: Serratia marcescens, found in dirty showers.
Positive: Staphylococcus, found in trash cans.
Positive: Yeast, found in bread, beer… also: vaginal infections.
Negative: Fecal matter, found literally everywhere else.
Good news. We guess. Maybe the decline of the beard trend isn’t a bad thing.