The Perfect Thing to Say to Everyone at the Party


Undesirable situations are just inevitable at some holiday gatherings. Here’s how to address each encounter, according to who you’re dealing with:

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1. The Giver of a Dumb-Ass Gift

1. “Thanks, I totally love bacon cologne!”

2. “Thank you.” [silence] “Really.”

798. [cough] “Gift receipt.” [cough]

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2. A Stranger You Want to Talk to

1. “Seen the new BCS rankings?”

2. “How’s the punch?”

3. “Trump’s hair: Think it’s a toop?”

432. “Sure hope the pork’s GMO-free…”

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3. A Stranger You Want to Get Rid Of

1. “GMOs—no can do.”

2. “Punch! I’ll go.”

3. “I’ve got this scalp itch…”

711. “Into fantasy football?”

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