Why is Fall the Best Time of Year for Cheating Parents?

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The world is full of hidden wonders and astounding facts. Our brains, just a few pounds of wrinkly pink meat, produce all that we think and feel. Figs are fertilized by tiny wasps that crawl into them through a hole and die. Judge Judy earns $47 million a year. Add to this list a new fact: the pickup/dropoff area of your local elementary school is full of horny parents looking to have sex with someone other than the person to whom they're married.

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According to a survey conducted by VictoriaMilan, a dating site for married people, which probably isn’t a fraud like some other dating sites for married people we could name, 54 percent of men and 39 percent of women flirt with other parents at school. Like me, these freaky parents are hornier in the morning, with a full 81 percent of women and 63 percent of men saying they prefer to flirt when dropping the kids off at school, not when picking them up. This only makes sense. After school is a gross time to flirt, because 1) it’s hot, 2) there are kids running everywhere and screaming, 3) you’re thinking about what snack to make, and 4) you’ve gotta rush those kids home so they can catch Animaniacs, which I’m assuming still airs every day at 3 p.m. and is beloved by children everywhere. How could it be otherwise!

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What’s more, these suburban psychopaths actually prefer flirting with married people, with 55 percent of men and 69 percent of women (nice) saying that they’d rather make eyes at someone bound to another soul in the eyes of man and God. “Hey, if it’s good enough for Kate Middleton!” these saucy schoolyard sluts think (sluts in this usage, like all good bathrooms, being gender inclusive), sparing no thoughts for their poor partners, a pitiable procession of carpool cucks.

Of course, you could say that we should leave alone these poor, harried parents. Why can’t they enjoy the simple pleasure of speaking with an attractive person? Who are we to shame them? Isn’t monogamy an increasingly creaky concept that’s been the norm for a relatively short amount of human history, now almost certainly coming to a close? And anyway, what was the sample size, response rate, and margin of error of this study conducted by “a website dedicated to married or attached people looking to cheat,” as it is described in its own press release? Do they have professional statisticians on staff?

Well, you’ll be relieved to hear that VictoriaMilan CEO Sigurd Vedal is on your side. “Flirting during the school run is a way to make a boring chore a pleasure,” he said, I’m going to assume, while drinking a weak cocktail at an overpriced rooftop bar, just going by his press photos.

You know, and I have to say I never thought I’d say this, let’s all listen to Sigurd. Flirting is definitively one of the best things invented by humans, and if this is what mom and dad need to get them through the day, I am 100% in favor. 

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