This story originally appeared in the January 2020 (48.4) issue of POWDER.
I should still be in bed. It’s so cold, I can’t feel my face. Can your organs get frostbite? Did I pack enough layers or enough snacks? Should I take out this extra puffy so I can carry more water? Isn’t beer mostly water?
Okay, here we go! Look at us—up with the sun like a bunch of elite athletes using our bodies in the mountains. We are such good stewards of the earth! Why don’t we do this every morning? We are so fit!
Oh, that’s right, I live at sea level. I can’t breathe. Can you please slow down? I feel like hot garbage.
If I laid down right now, how long would it take me to freeze and die and put an end to this misery? No it’s fine, don’t wait for me, I’m fine.
I’m so hot my nostrils are sweating. My organs are boiling inside my body. How many layers can I take off? There’s so much sweat. My hair is so wet it looks like I just got out of the shower… though I sure don’t smell like it.
You’re telling me human-powered snowsports are the fastest growing segment of winter recreation? Seven million people explored the backcountry last season? You people are sick.
You know what I love? Chair lifts. I don’t even care that a window ticket at Vail is $209 this season. Take my money. I don’t wanna walk anymore!
Did you say that’s the summit? We’re almost there? Oh, wow! That wasn’t so bad. I could do this again. In fact, I could keep going for miles.
I should do a ski-mo race this winter. Like, could I go to the Olympics? Probably. I think I’ll at least start training for a marathon. I’m definitely going to the gym later.
Whew! The summit! Transition time! I have arrived on the wings of my own greatness. I am strong. I am a force. I am Beyoncé! I am a graceful gazelle in the wilderness. No mountain will conquer me.
I’m so glad I brought this extra beer instead of that extra layer because I deserve this. Look how relaxed and in my element I am. Like I said this morning. I am an athlete.
Wait, we’re going down? Oh, right. That’s why we came. Let’s ski.
Same time next week?
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