Skiing Horoscopes Just in Time for the New Year

skiing horoscopes
Illustration: Courtesy of Tyler Hartlage/POWDER Magazine

These highly accurate readings are not based on the traditional zodiac, but instead on a way more ancient Alpine astrological system that was recently discovered when a 3,000-year-old wooden constellation chart melted out of the Mer-de-Glace in Chamonix, France.

Sign of the Free Heel
(October 23-November 21)
Famous Free Heelers: Tanner Hall

Free your heel and your mind will follow, child of the Telemarkian Constellation. With the passing of the harvest moon Regulus and Cassiopeia are ascendant in the house of Rossignol, and that means challenges for those born under the sign of the Knee That Is Dropped. Just as the key to the graceful telemark turn lies not in the bold thrust of your leading ski, but in the subtle drift controlled by the trailing pinkie toe, forgo the obvious move and get lateral. Never forget the words of the great American Hunter S.Thompson: “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

Sign of the Great Tram
(November 22-December 21)
Famous Children of the Tram: Stein Erikson, Seth Morrison

Whether or not you actually live in Jackson or Big Sky, skiing off trams—both physical and metaphysical—requires legs of steel, built turn by turn. Time to beat your astrological legs to a quivering pulp. Remember to apply deep astrological hip angulation to all parts of the metaphysical mountain.

Sign of the Snorkel
(December 22-January 19)
Famous Snorkeler: Shane McConkey

This is a month of opportunity for Snorkelians: now is the time to strike romantically, and professionally. Proposition hot randos on the lifts, quit your job, and start a heli ski company, send that sketchy couloir right down the gut.

Sign of the Lift Op
(January 20-February 18)
Famous Lift Oppians: That guy you always see in the trees on storm days

Find the answers to your spiritual questions this month in the wisdom of the trusty classic rock hits that have soothed the troubled souls of the lift ops since 1973. Fly like an eagle and don’t stop believing—because love isn’t always on time.

Sign of the Zip Line
(February 19-March 20)
Famous Zipperliners: Julia Mancuso

In 2010, Mancuso capped her World Cup race season with a wild card entry to the famed Verbier Extreme contest. She had no experience in big mountain competition or with the most formidable venue on the circuit. Mancuso ripped the living piss out of her run and took third. Be bold. Conquer unfamiliar obstacles.

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Sign of the Billy Goat
(March 21-April 19)
Famous Billy Goats: Bill Johnson

With Mars leaving the House of Tyrolia, it’s an inauspicious time to charge the steep and technical situations that Goats find so alluring. Avoid tuning your own skis, kitchen remodels, or negotiating a jacuzzi-based ménage-a-trois. Johnson was the quintessential hard-headed risk-taking goat. He won the Olympic DH in ‘84, washed up, and was then catastrophically injured while trying to make a comeback in 2001. This month, discretion is the better part of valor, lest ye tempt the fates like Johnson.

Sign of the Salomon 997 Binding
(April 20-May 20)

With the sign of the Lift Op in opposition across the plane of the ecliptic, those born under the sign of the Steel Race Binding must do the opposite of the Lift Oppian: get a firm grip. Screw your metaphysical ACL’s—crank up your spiritual DIN settings and clamp down extra hard on life this month.

Sign of the Powder Eights
(May 21-June 20)
Famous 8’s: Candide Thovex

Now that you’ve fixed the clutch that went out in your Subaru last month, it’s time to take it for a self-discovery road trip and explore new sensations. Try monoskiing, piercing your nose, or adopting an all-fish diet.

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Sign of the GS gate
(June 21-July 22)
Famous GSers: Scott Schmidt, the Aiguille du Midi tram

Both Schmidt and the Aiguille du Midi are technical marvels, and so are you. But don’t forget to let go a little this month and take some laps off the course too.

Sign of the Jacuzzi
(July 23-August 22)
Famous Jacuzzis: Henrik Harlaut

Like jib god Harlaut, your warm and bubbly personality can lead people to underestimate your capabilities. Now is the time to be a little more of a bastard than usual: snake people’s line, honk in traffic, fart in the gondola, and you will bring the universe back into balance.

Sign of the Rope Ducker
(August 23-September 22)
Famous Duckers: Ted Ligety

When the FIS imposed longer sidecut radius specs for GS, Ligety pissed and moaned louder than anyone about the new rules. He then proceeded to crush the field all year long on the World Cup. If you can overcome an obstacle better than everyone else, it’s not an obstacle, it’s an advantage.

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Sign of the Double E
(September 23-October 22)
Famous Double-E’s: Doug Coombs

Coombs—who was legendary both for stomping big drops and pioneering some of the premier AK heli lines on 10-DIN Fritschi touring bindings—points your way this month. Overcome your tendency to explode by using awareness and technique. Which is also this month’s romance advice.

This story originally appeared in the November 2019 (48.2) issue of POWDER and was republished with permission.

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